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And now the bad news! |
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COUNSELING |
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"Victims" of Tiger Woods |
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By Jennifer Hartline |
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Catholic Online (www.catholic.org)
ONE of the women Tiger Woods had an affair with has retained an attorney. I watched this attorney on TV explaining profusely why this poor woman was so victimized by Tiger, how much damage he did to her life and her career, and why Tiger must own up to his wrongful treatment of her and offer a very humble apology. Only then can talk of monetary damages proceed.
It was the victim routine again. "The Victim" should be a Broadway production by now. Everyone is a victim nowadays, but I find it especially irksome when women play the victim-card for themselves or each other, as the liberal feminist attorney did for her client. It's always the big, bad man being mean to the poor little woman. And then she cries, "How could you treat me this way?" I'll tell you how -- you let him.
Ladies, I'm going to do you one better than your liberal feminists sisters will do and tell you that freedom isn't free. It costs something and requires conscious effort to protect. And the responsibility is yours. Stop blaming men for treating you badly and kick up some dust on your way out.
Here's the thing: the empowerment you seek, the freedom you crave -- it's all in your mind -- literally. It's in the decisions you make, the choices you purposely choose and the exercise of your will. It is forfeited in the careless choices you make and the bad decisions you won't turn from. It is lost in the mistakes you refuse to learn from and correct. It is restored when you decide to stop playing the victim and become the woman of integrity God made you to be.
It's all up to you. It always has been. Are there men who treat women terribly? Absolutely, and I'm not releasing those men from their guilt. But why is it that here in Land of the Free there are so many women -- bright, educated, accomplished women -- who allow it? They would rather cry victim, suffer terribly and unnecessarily at the hands of a complete jerk than use their heads, make a truly empowered decision and walk away. Somehow it's better to seek revenge in a courtroom after the fact than to use the power of their minds and stay out of trouble in the first place.
It really is all in your mind and your will. It isn't easy, but so what? Isn't your life, your freedom, your prosperity, your health, your body, your heart worth some hard choices? Who's calling the shots anyway? You are.
I learned that lesson the hard way. Before I met my husband, I dated a man who was very charming and extravagant. Gary was quite successful at his job and had a fancy car and loved to dine at restaurants all the time. He brought me flowers unexpectedly, and would shower me with love notes and surprises. He was very romantic and I found it all quite irresistible. He was also a very troubled man, having grown up in a profoundly abusive home. Under the surface, he seethed with rage, and when it bubbled up, it was frightening. He would become verbally abusive, demeaning, cruel, and he would lose all control of his temper. He did not physically strike me, but he would delight in beating me emotionally.
Those scary scenes were always followed by great remorse and affection, and thus our relationship went on like this for nearly two years. He shared with me the horrific stories of the abuse he endured as a child, and my heart broke with compassion and love for this wounded man. We'd pray together for healing, and even went together to seek counseling for his rage. I thought that because I loved him, I could and should help him get well. I saw all his good qualities -- there were many -- and thought how unfair it was that this man was basically ruined by his cruel parents.
Someone needed to stand by him, and it was going to be me. Yet, my own heart was never comfortable with the thought of spending my life with him, and fear gnawed at me constantly. In my soul, I knew the relationship was wrong for me, but I was in love with him and I didn't want to abandon him.
The blow-ups of rage became more frequent, our fights became more intense, and I was disintegrating into a victim mindset. I thought I'd be heartbroken for life without him, yet my soul was telling me I'd be a battered woman for life if I didn't end the relationship now.
I've heard God's voice with unmistakable clarity only a few times in my life, and one night on the floor in my apartment, sobbing, He asked me quite simply, "Is this what you want?" I whipped my head around to see who had come into my room because the voice was audible in my ears. I heard God's voice. Again, I heard Him: "Do you really want to give your heart to a man who ...
will hurt you?" Suddenly, my tears dried, my mind cleared and I heard myself say out loud, "No."
Then came His answer to me. "Then make your choice."
It was my choice and God would let me make it and He would let me have whatever I chose, be it good or bad. I was not a victim, I was a willing participant and it was high time I made a better decision for my life. The responsibility was mine and I had no one to blame but me. As much as I thought I loved Gary, I could not change him or fix him or heal him. I could only stay and surrender my freedom to a man who would continue to hurt me. Gary stopped beating me with his anger the instant I stopped letting him.
I released him to the Lord, moved away and cleansed my mind and heart with God's truth. Less than a year later, I met my wonderful husband and with great joy I gave my heart to a loving man who will never hurt me or our children, and God is as happy as I am that I made such an excellent choice. My life could have been very, very different. I shudder now to think of it. I thank God every day for His grace that saved me.
Ladies, the choices are ours to make. The Lord longs for us to protect our hearts and our freedom by using the good sense He gave us to make good decisions. I believe He weeps when we choose badly and then refuse to take responsibility for our choices. The power we need to live full, happy and free lives rests in the decisions we make. This woman who believes Tiger Woods has wronged and damaged her must start by looking in the mirror. There she will find the person who is responsible for her unhappiness, and the person who can change her life starting right now.
God's abundant grace is there, waiting to be poured out on those who will choose well. Decide carefully, choose well, and you will live well. "Preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." Proverbs 3:21-24 (Courtesy: www.catholic.org)
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Jennifer Hartline is a lifelong Catholic, an Army wife and mother of four precious children. (One in heaven.) She is a contributing writer for Catholic Online on topics of Catholic faith, family, Life, and politics. She is also a serious chocoholic. Visit her at My Chocolate Heart. |
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Love redefined |
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By Ashleigh Kittle Slater |
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I WAS completely captivated by the beauty of his words. They were tender, heartfelt, poetic. "You must know -- surely you must know that it was all for you... You have bewitched me, body and soul."
Too bad these words were written by a woman.
I'd gone to see the movie version of Pride and Prejudice with my three sisters. It was a bit strange to sit there, the only married woman of the bunch, and watch as the Bennet sisters sought their potential mates. After all, I no longer wonder how, where, or when I'll meet my husband.
To borrow a popular phrase: Been there. Done that. And frankly, I'm glad.
Glad that instead of waiting eagerly for "Mr. Right," I now can marvel at the wisdom of God's matchmaking, putting together two people who complement and challenge each other.
But being the married one of the bunch also has its drawbacks. I'd lost the ability to believe men could be romantic in the way Jane Austen penned them.
Once the film ended, it took a few minutes for me to pry myself from my seat. I wanted to bask in the glow of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth's romance. The romance filled with words I didn't hear on a daily basis. Words that were much more romantic than, "Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?" or "Did you get a chance to wash my white t-shirts?"
As we left the theater, I turned to one of my sisters and said, "Real men don't talk like Mr. Darcy." And that's all it took for discontent to set in. I began to examine how the romance between my husband and me had seemingly disappeared.
During our courtship and engagement, my husband, Ted, had expressed his affection with homemade cards, roses, and words that made my heart flutter. In fact, he verged on poetic. But once we got married, after two babies in two years, he was too busy putting together swings, heating up bottles, and installing car seats in our newly purchased minivan even to think about romantic gestures. And the cards, roses, and poetic words dried up.
Now my mind began to concoct other reasons for my husband's lack of romance. Could it be I'd become boring? Unattractive? Did he see me only as the mother of his children, not the love of his life? Perhaps my sweatpants and ponytail weren't as alluring as I'd thought.
I spent a few days brooding in unhappiness and doubt. Until the clouds parted and I had a revelation.
Mr. Darcy won Elizabeth's heart not with flowery words, but with actions. He salvaged her family's name and gave the encouragement that led to her sister's engagement, and it was the very living out of his love that brought Elizabeth to admit her true feelings for him. This is exactly how my husband goes about winning my heart day in and day out: with his actions.
Maybe he wasn't so different from Mr. Darcy after all.
I started to pay attention to the evidence of my husband's love. It was in a fridge full of Starbuck's mocha frappuccinos. In the way he gave up his daily newspaper reading to watch our girls so I could find time to shower. In surprising me with a book by my favorite author. In painting the house so that color fills my day. It's in these displays of unselfishness, in the laying down of his wants and desires in order to bless me, that I see his love.
Between all of life's responsibilities, there's not much time for what society defines as "love" and "romance." Not a lot of candlelight dinners for two, spur-of-the-moment romantic getaways, and long walks happen when a married couple is busy with life—especially if they're also parenting little ones. That breathless newlywed excitement fades as diapers, meals, and bath times take over. Love has met the reality of ordinary days. But it's through these ordinary days that love is lived out in a much more authentic manner.
This past Valentine's Day I felt like a young bride again when my husband had a dozen roses and a box of chocolate delivered to my door. But in all honesty, I've come to realize that isn't where I see his love most clearly. It's his practical, daily displays of service and selflessness that mirror the Mr. Darcy who abandoned his place in society to better Elizabeth's world.
And in that, my heart is captivated far beyond the power of words. (Courtesy: Christianity Today)
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Ashleigh Kittle Slater, a freelance writer, has been married five years. |
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Suicide mission |
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By Maryknoll Father William Grimm |
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FOR the twelfth year in a row, the number of people who committed suicide in Japan has topped 30,000. According to statistics released by the National Police Agency on January 26, a total of 32,753 people took their own lives in 2009. This was the fifth highest toll in history, an increase of 504 persons over the 2008 figure and on average one such death every 16 minutes.
Thirty years ago, the "typical" suicide was a woman in her 20's or 30's who faced romantic difficulties such as a break up with a boyfriend or the prospect of never finding a spouse. Another group was women who suffered marital difficulties. These often killed their children as well, since it would be poor mothering to leave them orphans.
Nowadays, the profile has changed, with 71 per cent of 2009's suicides being men. The most common reason for killing themselves is financial difficulties, the loss of a job or unpayable debts.
Another group that has recently attracted attention because of a spike in suicides are children. Schoolyard bullying and poor grades seem to be behind this phenomenon.
Suicide is not unknown even among Christians. There is probably no priest in the country with more than a few years' experience who has not in the course of his ministry been called upon to deal with the aftermath of suicide.
Those of us who live in Tokyo are not surprised at the police reports' high numbers. In recent years, more than 300 people have committed suicide each year in the region by jumping from station platforms in front of oncoming trains. Being stuck on a train delayed by a suicide somewhere along the line is a common experience for Tokyoites, especially during morning rush hours.
Railroads have installed special lighting and replaced black asphalt platforms with white tiles in the hope that a brighter environment might deter jumpers. Gradually, fences and gates that block access to the tracks until after trains have come to a stop are being installed on platforms.
Japan has always had a high suicide rate and the country has been fairly tolerant of self-destruction. Traditionally, suicide has been an honorable way to atone for failure or to resolve intractable problems. It was even turned into a ceremony in the practice of "seppuku," ritual self-disembowelment. (The commonly used word for it in English, hara-kiri (belly cutting), is somewhat vulgar in Japanese.) The Tokyo site of the 1912 joint ritual suicide of Count Maresuke Nogi and his wife Shizuko upon the death of Emperor Meiji is a Shinto shrine where the count is revered as a divinity.
However, Japan's mildly tolerant attitude toward suicide is changing, and not simply because people are annoyed at having their morning commute disrupted by train delays caused by jumpers.
The increase in suicide is seen as a symptom of something gone wrong with Japan. Those who kill themselves are not judged for their actions. The country is.
After the total destruction of Japan in World War II, the Japanese set themselves to rebuild economically and socially. In 1964, the nation hosted the Olympics. In connection with that event, the "bullet train" high-speed rail system was built. Modern highways were constructed. That year marked the country's re-entry to world-class status as a nation, an end to the post-war period of humiliation and reconstruction. The young man chosen to light the Olympic flame symbolized that. Yoshinori Sakai was born in Hiroshima on the day an atomic bomb was dropped on that city.
Japan went on to become the second largest economy in the world. In 1979, an American book spoke of "Japan as Number One." But, then it all fell apart. The economy stagnated, the population showed inexorable signs of aging and decline. It seemed that just as the suffering, sacrifice and hard work of the post-war reconstruction was about to bear fruit, Japanese increasingly realized that something had been lost along the way. There was no longer anything left to achieve in the way of economic growth, but the achievement turned out to be not worth the effort. And those who put forth the greatest effort, no longer having something for which to live, began to choose death.
Where does this leave the Church? What does it mean to proclaim Good News in a wealthy land that has the means to live, but may be losing the will to do so?
The Church does a good job when what the bad news people face is hunger, ignorance or disaster. However, bad news in the midst of wealth is a new challenge. The best way to face it remains a mystery. The search for answers in Japan may provide the model for missions in the 21st century as more and more of Asia moves beyond mere subsistence and finds that the pursuit of wealth may mean the loss of something more important. It may also become a model for the re-evangelization of the West, which was once a model for Japan, but now seems more and more to be imitating Japan in its wealthy poverty.
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Maryknoll Father William Grimm is the publisher of UCA News and former editor-in-chief of "Katorikku Shimbun," Japan's Catholic weekly |
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Youth and sex |
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By CCI |
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THE changing attitude of young people toward sex and family is a major concern, says a high-level body of the Indian Church.
"One area of concern is the change in attitude toward sex, stability of family, wife-sex relation," noted the Catholic Council of India (CCI).
The council, representative body of Indian Catholic bishops, priests, religious and laity, met Jan. 9-12 in Nagpur discussed the situation of youth in the Church and society.
"The young generation of today, growing up as they do in the modern technological age, is exposed to a wide variety of new ideas, experiences and influences," the meeting said in its final statement.
The statement also found the modern generation highly influenced by media -- print, audio and video. But "it must be said that their influence are none too healthy."
Young people's changed views on family and sex correspond to their "indifference" to religion and religious practices that form the basics for a healthy social order, the meeting regretted.
This has resulted in break-up of families and increased divorces. The statement cites as examples the increase in the number of people opting for live-in relation rather than marriage, and demands for same sex unions.
The changes have made youth more ambitious and "collectively impatient at the slow pace of changes" in society.
As a result, they have become "very susceptible" to movements and organizations that project speedy social actions "justifying means by their ends."
The council wants Catholics in India to realize that the negative trends among the youth are the result of society's failure to inculcate in them values that could help them withstand unhealthy influences.
These developments should force people to undertake "a serious introspection" of society's attitude to youth and the type of programs it has for young people, the CCI said.
The meet wanted the Church to improve the quality of the training it conducts for the youth and organize more effective refresher programs. (Courtesy: CathNews India) |
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Caring for 'special' children |
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By Shaheen Chander |
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AS a part of a specialization course at college, we were assigned to visit various institutes for 'special' children. I personally feel that there is no better word than 'special' to address such children; simply because they are different from the others, not only in their abilities, but their capabilities as well.
These children included the ones suffering from various disorders -- hearing impairment, physical and mental disabilities, learning difficulties, impaired vision or speech defects. We visited several institutes. Although the functioning of the institutes varied and the disorders of children differed, there was something in common -- a similarity in their anxiety to know more, their life situation and, of course, their emotional distress.
Interaction with the teachers there provided us with insight into how parents struggled to make their special children happy. Each passing day unfolded a new story. In one school for mentally disabled children, a highly qualified professional mother would come every day to drop her elder daughter to school. Her child was chronologically 13, with the mind of a three-year old. The hopeful mother would in a dedicated manner bring her child to school. But despite the love and affection they may get, such children live in an altogether different world, where they strive hard to be a part of the 'normal' surroundings.
Challenges for both parents and the child
Owing to their disabilities, 'special' children exhibit several emotional and behavioural problems. Mood swings and aggressive behavior are just a few. They may suffer from an inferiority complex, brought about by incompetence. The behavioural and emotional problems may even worsen as the child grows older and psychologically matures to understand the situation. They feel awkward at times.
People generally feel that if a child does not match his/her peers physically, then the emotional needs are also limited. Although this depends on the disability as well as its extent, children can very well assess the situation and reactions of people around them. If there is a normal sibling at home, the situation is even more challenging. Extra praise of the normal child's achievements can cause emotional upheaval for the 'special' one, who may psychologically succumb to his/her physical and mental incapability. At times, lack of affection or care from other family members can also have a bad impact on the psyche of the child.
Make your child feel special
It is important to help your child realize his ability and not disability. Help the child grow. Help him/her become independent and confident. At the same time, do not overestimate the child's potential. At home, provide the child with a conducive and encouraging environment. Involve every member in the care of the child. Parenting such children is strenuous, but following balanced parenting techniques will help.
Despite your professional and personal constraints, do spend time with your child. If possible, take him/her out for a stroll and interact with the child. Do not isolate the child. Encourage siblings and their friends to interact with the child. Make the child participate in social and family gatherings confidently. However, do not overindulge in the care of just the needy one. Balanced parenting of both the affected and the normal child is important.
Remember, all that the 'special' ones need is support and encouragement, not sympathy.
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A broken vessel |
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By Cristina McEwen |
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I'M a feeler: a die-hard, passionate, go-with-my-gut, somewhat impulsive, feeler. As a wife and mother of three, I'm the person who writes up a to-do list but chucks it because it's sunny out and "gosh the park sounds fun today." And "oh, the zoo would be nice... and I need to stop at the grocery store on my way home."
Before I know it, dinner has come and gone, and my agenda has been put off until tomorrow.
The problem lies in the fact that my husband also is a somewhat impulsive, extremely passionate, borderline feeler. So when we said "I do" one drizzly and cold New Year's Eve at the courthouse, on a whim of sorts, I should have known what we were in for.
Until I said "I do," learning to forgive as Jesus forgave me sounded rather simple. I can honestly say that there's no other relationship on earth that God has used in the way he has used marriage to shape me into a more humble, more authentic and more forgiving person.
We've had fights that would earn us a combined Oscar for acting (if only we were acting). And with three ardent children added into the equation within the first five years of marriage (one a product of the honeymoon), vying for first place in our lives 24 hours a day -- communicating with each other is rarely uncomplicated.
Receiving forgiveness was a spiritually abstract concept until I was left with no other option. But, it's freeing. And I'm learning that this art of giving and receiving forgiveness, no matter how much it pangs me, when it is spilled into every other meaningful relationship in my life, draws me closer to others and therefore closer to God.
There's something to be said about working through something really difficult with someone whose companionship you value. I've had times when I've wanted to run away from confrontation, but a voice inside me whispers, "Stay. Stay." And in staying and humbly receiving or confronting (whatever end I'm on at the time), more often than not results in true healing. It's a sort of freedom that beckons my soul to come forth and expose its beautiful self to the world of hurting people who have hidden because of fear of rejection, indignation or perhaps very valid fears of having received responses that were ungodly in the past.
Jesus has this way of taking our lives -- these big messy slabs of clay -- and gently shaping them into vessels worthy of his kingdom. He takes the clump of my life -- my brokenness, my "good deeds," my sin -- and puts it between his hands, sorting out all the lumps, softening it just so. He puts it on the wheel and very slowly, very gently, begins to spin it, holding the clump in a way that looks as if it would just slip out of his damp hands and onto the floor, adding to the mess it is already.
His hands are cupped around the clay now, as it cautiously makes its way into what simply resembles an OK-looking bowl.
He holds the bowl, like he's holding a baby, and he lifts its sides, moving so slowly that I don't even realize he's doing anything at all.
The wheel continues to spin. The bowl is getting taller. And much more delicate. A few times I think that it will surely fall to the ground. But it continues to grow. Upward. Outward. With a rim that looks as if it's reaching to the heavens. Every piece of what is now a rounded vase is perfect. Every ounce of every lump has been smoothed into this piece of art that now has the capability of holding its own. Holding something else even.
And perhaps in that redemption of all things broken is the capability of holding those who are broken. Holding people who are withering. Dying. Those who are hopeless. Ashamed. Abandoned. In need of light.
Perhaps in the liberation of being a broken vessel, at the disposal of the Potter, Jesus, we can find healing in the relationships around us and the power to let them mold us and shape us into people who embody and emanate the fruit of the Spirit in every aspect of our lives. (Courtesy: Christianity Today)
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Cristina McEwen lives in Indianapolis with her husband, Thomas, and their three children, Elias (6), Keziah (4) and Ezra (2). They're raising support to live in Turin, Italy, for the next five years. Find out more about Cristina at whensoulscollide.com. |
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