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We cut teacher's pal |
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COUNSELING |
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Judges, judge thyself |
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By Dominic Emmanuel, SVD |
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IN ancient India which virtually lived in its thousands of villages, most of the conflicts or disagreements were settled by the village panchyats through the judgment passed by the five chosen elders of the village. In many villages this system still works.
Formally though we now have a well–established legal system and most of the conflicts or cases of crimes are settled now through legal procedures in courts. The courts function at different levels and if a person or institution is not satisfied with a particular judgment, one can appeal to the highest court of the land. There are now even international courts. All these courts are guided by a proper legal system of jurisprudence.
There is, however, another form of judgment and judging that is used by those who are neither judges nor assigned the job of arbitration. Neither is this practiced in courts. And because there is no system and process involved, such judgments come in hordes and are passed in double–quick time. And often the person being judged or condemned neither knows about it neither is s/he given a chance to be heard.
This concerns our everyday judgments about our neighbors, colleagues, their actions and quite often about their intentions. Of course, there are times when what we say about others, especially behind their backs, may be just gossip which is not likely to harm the person we are talking about. But it is also not rare that such loose chitchat, rumours and passing of judgment has ruined their reputations and tarnished somebody's good name. For those of us who engage in such rumour mongering it may be just a pastime. But such leisure destroys deep friendships and causes serious misunderstandings in longstanding relationships.
Having observed situations such as these and the habit of judging others' intentions, Jesus in the Bible admonished his listeners, saying, "Don't judge others, and you will not be judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you (Math. 7: 1-2)".
'Projection' is a term used by psychologists to explain the behaviour of someone who projects onto someone else an intention of what s/he thinks or may wish to do. Such behaviour is often the result of hiding one's own inadequacies or unhealthy intentions. It is a defence mechanism to cope with one's own shortcomings and grey areas. Judging others is nothing more than such projections.
It is important to remember that such spirit of condemnation is also a sign of a personality which is at odds with itself. Apart from psychological reasons for this to happen, another reason is total lack of awareness of one's own actions. This in turn points to a lack of spiritual contact with the Divine. God has certainly not entrusted us with the task of condemning others. Who are we to sit in judgment over what someone else is doing unless what s/he does, harms the society or is done purely to put someone innocent in trouble.
This, of course, does not mean that we should not speak up against the evils of corruption, cheating, lying, exploitation of the poor and the downtrodden. What Jesus is warning us against is to stop judging and criticizing others on those very things that we could be found guilty of.
Therefore, after advising them not to judge others Jesus concludes the admonition by putting a challenge before them, "Why do you notice the small piece of dust that is in your friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood that is in your own? Why do you say to your friend, 'Let me take that piece of dust out of your eye'? Look at yourself first! You still have that big piece of wood in your own eye. You are a hypocrite! First, take the wood out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to get the dust out of your friend's eye (Math. 7: 3-6).
Before we speak about others it may be good to go through the test which Socrates administered to someone who came to complain to him about one of his students. Before he could start, Socrates asked him, "a) Are you sure that what you will say is true? b) Is it something good? and c) Is what you want to tell me going to be useful to me at all?" When the answer to all the three was in negative, Socrates told him, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" (Courtesy: Asian Age)
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The writer is Director and Spokesperson
Delhi Catholic Archdiocese |
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Tips for teens |
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By Tisy Jose, UMI |
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HAPPY birthday to you, happy birthday dear Nidhi, May you have many, many, boyfriends, happy birthday to you... , went the refrain of a birthday greetings at a birthday party recently thrown by Nidhi's parents at their residence in Kanpur. Never mind if little Nidhi was celebrating her fifth birthday surrounded by her peer group. Although all of them were familiar with the word 'boy friend', none of them could differentiate a boyfriend from a girlfriend. Nidhi's teacher-mother Supriya who was proudly recording the song could not stop her head from spinning at such a shocking numbers raised to its crescendo by a group of cherubs!
On the following day a desperate Supriya rushed to the school and told me, "Sister, Nidhi is an adult at five. She talks and behaves like a grown up. It is hard for me to take that birthday song her friends sang for her the other day. Doesn't all this stuff look abnormal? I calmed her down and decided to listen myself to that angel-choir at a recess. Eliciting from them the source of their greeting song, they answered in one voice, "Our college- going didies (elder sisters) near our houses hang out with their boyfriends. We too want many boyfriends". "What for", I queried. "For sex", came the reply. "What is sex?", probed I. "Oh, sex is all about chocolate, designer clothes, lipsticks, high-heel shoes, mobile phones, perfumes, pubs, movies, soft drinks, dancing..." the list went endless.
Now it is that time of the year when droves of teens fresh out of their schools flock to colleges for higher studies. As admission fever runs high, those teens who are forced to sacrifice their favorite streams on the altar of parental pressure take to the gang of nocturnal creatures. The whole night they revel in merriment and sleep the day out. They form an alternate generation least interested in studies and most interested in its own lexicon of strange language, expression, symbols and rituals all suggestive of sex. They live in a world of glitter, fashion, parties and 'chilling out'. The time spending outside home progressively lengthens. Pubs, eateries, parks and multiplexes are their favorite resorts. Things are 'no big deal' for them and one only has to 'cool it'. If you are not on the 'same page' you are regarded rustic.
Hailing from the upper crust of the society with peer group of snob values their irresponsible sexual behaviour set norms for the younger ones in society. Parallel to their invented lexicon 'chill pill' (unwind), 'Babes' (girls), 'shake and swing' 'kick ass' etc, an unprecedented flood of snazzy motorbikes, luxury sedans and entertainment centres thrive around flowing malls.
It is more distressing than shocking to note that this very alternate generation creates a corresponding increase of rape and social brigandage, break-ins, betrayals of love, suicides and vengeance-driven murders in the society. The uncontrolled sexual energy of our teens leads to tragic incidents that ruin their lives. The rate of teenage-pregnancies is rising higher day by day causing millions of abortions. "No one told us what to do", they complain when questioned about the blunders they make in fatuous relationships. A big chunk of our teens are vocal about their confusion in sexual matters. "We should have someone to talk to who can penetrate our minds, says a sweet sixteen Nina of class XI. "How can we talk about this with our mothers? How to frame questions about our doubts about sexual matters to our teachers"?, wonders Anuradha of Ist year B.Com.
In the tidal waves of the present sociological transformation, taboos disappear putting in place a permissive kind of dissipation in the lives of our youth. Our media-saturated age is also a sex-saturated age. This three-letter word in the air, everything else revolves around it as though the whole human person is nothing else but 'sex'. This 'indulgence' culture that thrives on consumerism, market and media make the youth prepared to pitch everything else for the sake of pleasure. The juvenile period of adolescence and teenage are steamy years of youth when they are swept off their feet by the waves of sexual revolution. They are bombarded by alluring visuals and overload of information via TV, Internet, pornography, market, mobile pones and other electronic gadgets. And their friends help experiment all what they view and learn from these mediums.
When a five-year old in the class thus blurts out, " Meera didi and Manoj bhayya are doing sex", the teacher silences him saying, "sex is not a bad word". But obviously our teens need guidance from A to Z of sex and sexuality, love and romance, responsible sexual behaviour and committed marital bond etc if we are to tackle the enormity of the tragic incidents happening in young India. But the million dollar question is 'Who will bell the cat?' Neither state nor religion, neither schools nor homes make serious and systematic effort to impart sex education to our younger generation. They are left to pick it up from street corners and through other destructives mediums.
Youth is precious to us. They are the hope of the nation. If they perish we as a people perish. Around half of our nation is currently under 20 years without imparting sex education where do our youth land up?
A concerted effort of the parents and teachers are urgent to disseminate a holistic knowledge on sexuality to our teens. Not the kind of that over-sexed exercise where only the sexual urge, reproduction, use of condom and experimental sex etc, were initiated a few years back in a Delhi School Health Camp under the pretext of sex education!
The umbrella word 'Sex Education' or Sexuality Education embraces the whole gamut of a person's physical, mental and spiritual life. It explores the broader aspects of human relationship consisting of love, trust, attraction, sympathy, romance et al that make up human sexuality. Drawing a clear distinction between sex in animals which is based on mere instincts and sex in a human being rooted in reason and communication of the whole person to the other, true sex education is to help realize the sacredness and importance of human sexuality. Positive parenting and a sound schooling coupled with well informed counseling can save our teens from the perils of a permissive society.
However, it is equally important that the teens themselves take interest in acquiring thorough knowledge about their sexuality. Teens are a lot who put all their trust in their 'best friend'. If so who actually can be the best of their best friends except their dear parents who gave them life and love, care for them and are concerned about them more than anyone else in the world? There can be no best friend to a girl better than her own dear mother who knows and loves her the most in life. Similarly for a guy there can be no better best friend than his own dear dad even though his love may not always be understood by his children.
No one can give right tips for teens better than their parents who although may not be trained counselors or sexologists, are well equipped with native wisdom, practical knowledge and on the top of it all a thorough knowledge of their own dear clients. A mother of tender love and an understanding father can be the best teachers of sexuality education. And there can be no venue better conducive than ones own home where love and sex basically originate and belong.
Dear teens, sit in the loving company of your dear parents, trust them, choose them as your best friends, hold open chat with them all about your doubts and troubles, success and failure in the adventure of growing up. They will teach you when to say 'no' and how to do it. They will teach you how to detect your manipulators and treat them squarely. They will show you the futility of your day-dreaming and fantasies. Learn from them with love and gratitude.
As Alexander Pope puts succinctly, "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread". Neither was Aristotle wrong when he said, "The wisest woman is the one who recognizes his/her ignorance. Therefore, grow in the 'humility of the wise and the wisdom of the humble'. Take the world in your stride; make your family and nation proud. Bravo. (Courtesy: www.indiancurrents.org) |
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Child Adoption -- Are you ready for it? |
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By Shaheen Chander |
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IT didn't take us long to be friends with this family which had recently shifted near our place. Their only son and his wife, a young couple in their mid-thirties, were planning to adopt a child. Owing to the complexities and problems involved, the decision was crucial. On their visit to our place, the discussion revolved around the issue and invited several feedbacks in the form of experiences and advice.
Some positive experiences were shared, about couples who diplomatically handled the situation and tactfully unveiled the truth to their children. The adopted children were brought up in a congenial environment and mentally prepared to face the challenges ahead.
Contrary to this, a case was discussed that shed light on the bitter realities and some unpleasant consequences of not handling the situation well. Here the parents had never divulged this fact to the child that he was adopted. But one day, one of the family members, in a fit of anger over some minor dispute, revealed it. This left the child completely shattered.
So each case unveiled a new story accompanied by a new set of experiences, consequences and problems. Thus, owing to the challenges involved, the process of child adoption has always been an interesting and intriguing issue.
Adoption and the problems involved
For understanding the process and the problems associated with it, let's take a closer look at the meaning of the very word 'adoption'.
The word is closer in meaning to the following words: acceptance, confinement, support, foster and befriend. These are the words that depict the reactions of the childless families who eagerly wait to foster the young one(s) joining the family. For them, the ties based on adoption hold much value in their lives, maybe equivalent to their so-called blood ties. They show acceptance for the child and are determined to support and encourage the young one(s) at every step.
On the other hand, words such as repudiation, rejection and denial are opposite in meaning to the word 'adoption'. Thus the words that go against the meaning of adoption also go against the beauty of the process. In fact, these antonyms portray the problems and complications that make the process so intricate.
Parents may face situations whereby there is rejection from the child. This happens in cases where the child is either a grown up who understands that he has to face a new set of people or when parents hide the fact from the child.
Rejection can be from other family members, too, who may not treat the child equally. Besides this, several psychological problems may arise such as denial on the part of the child. Problems may also be associated with the age of the child as well as the circumstances under which adoption took place. The child may also develop feelings of hatred for his parents when he comes to know about it. This hatred may be either for the real parents or the ones who adopted him/her. This leaves the child depressed and helpless.
Coping with the situation
Guidelines for parents
Provide the child a congenial environment. Deal with the child sensitively and avoid hiding the fact. The case mentioned in the beginning is a good example of the after-effects of concealing the fact. A leading magazine in an interview with actress Sushmita Sen beautifully described the way she raised her adopted child.
One striking feature was her way of telling the child that she was not her biological parent. She told the little girl that the child comes from 'mama's heart'. Nothing else could so beautifully express the relationship that the two share. The child should be raised normally. Avoid pampering the child. Treat the child equivalent to other normal children. Don't let adoption be a handicap in your normal relationship and the child's upbringing.
Guidelines for children
Depending on the circumstances, your problems would vary. Whatever be the situation, share everything openly. Do not jump to any conclusions. There may be cases where you have been told the truth and you have accepted the family as yours. So your problems might be different.
In other cases, you might have been traumatized just because you came to know about your adoption much later. Do not panic or over-react. The situation might demand adverse reactions, but calm down and think rationally. Just one bitter reality that your parents adopted you does not mean that you start ignoring other things. Look back and analyze everything.
Thus sensible parenting coupled with right attitude of parents and children can help in making adoption a smooth and pleasant process.
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The writer is a Chandigarh-based psychologist |
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Marriage encounter |
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By Ucan |
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FROM his early days, Aquinas Fernando had always wanted his own way in dealing with others. This behavior continued into his married life and strained relations with his wife.
"When things were not done my way, I would get angry and scold my wife. Sometimes I wouldn't talk to her for days," Fernando, now 50, told UCA News.
His passion for movies too affected their relationship as he used to watch TV late into the night.
However, after attending the Church-run Marriage Encounter (ME) program 14 years ago, Fernando said he came to realize how his behavior had hurt his family.
"Gradually I realized my mistakes, how I had hurt the feelings of my wife, how she had felt lonely while I was enjoying films," said Fernando, who has a grownup son. "I'm a changed person now and we lead a happy family life."
Today, Fernando and his wife Rose are facilitators in the ME program, and often speak to other couples on the importance of dialogue in family life.
The Worldwide Marriage Encounter movement, which started in Spain and came to Sri Lanka in 1976, aims at helping married couples strengthen communication and understanding.
Dialogue 'key' to good relationship
This is done through weekend live-in sessions.
At present, 22 couples and five priests run the program, says Fernando. He and his wife are presently the National Coordinating Couple for ME in Sri Lanka.
The movement held a special training session for couple facilitators on April 10 at Nainamadama, north of Colombo on April 10.
For a marriage to be happy and successful, a couple needs to communicate not only on the intellectual level but also at the intimate level, Father Jude Nicholas Fernando told participants.
The key to a deeper relationship is dialogue, said the national coordinator priest for ME in Sri Lanka.
Ten couples and two priests attended the program.
Father Fernando told UCA News that "deeper dialogue is the need of the hour since the institution of marriage is crumbling in the world."
Today in his diocese thousands of people are working abroad. This presents problems for spouses who live apart from one another and is a cause of couples breaking up, he said.
Sarath Wickramathunga, who took part in the program with his wife Leona, told UCA News the program taught him many things.
"We should be humble before the other person. God has a dream for everyone. He has a dream for us to be the best couple. We can understand that dream through deeper dialogue."
ME is presently active in many countries in Asia. |
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Career choice: You and your child |
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By Shaheen Chander |
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CREATIVITY in any form reflects the creator's state of mind. It is even reflected in a piece of clay that moves aimlessly on a potter's wheel before taking the shape of pottery.
Recently, during a visit to an art gallery, I came across a beautiful piece of work -- a canvas depicting the creator's concern for people with suppressed wishes and desires. It showed three human figures draped tightly in dull clothes as if trying to break free from the bondage of suppression.
Unlike other colourful images occupying the room, this piece of art was hanging in one corner, the dim lights further adding more to its agonizing effect. It was a perfect arrangement for something not so perfect. Yes! It showed the agony of people bound by fate, people whose wishes are controlled by others and who have to suffer silently.
This was just a canvas but when it comes to real life, especially our own children, it can be even more painful. Have you ever wondered how as parents we sometimes tend to over-indulge ourselves and suppress our children's desires just for gratifying our own wishes?
Over-indulgence of parents
The over-indulgence of parents can be in any sphere of a child's life -- academic, relationships, other activities of interests etc. This results in a kind of parenting whereby we suppress the child's preferences and try to maintain our own supremacy.
This kind of dominance on the part of parents is more prevalent in the academic sphere, whereby, the students at times surrender to the wishes of their parents. Here a career ends even before it has started.
The child who may be good at something else may succumb to the psychologically invalid, yet practically valid, parental desires. The ascendancy generally becomes apparent when you are planning a career for your child. Choice of subjects is of major concern for the parents when the child reaches higher classes.
This generally causes stress for both the child and the parents. Sometimes, your child might find interest in creative activities -- something he may find soothing but as parents we might simply label it as wastage of time and an inappropriate career choice. Such small, yet significant, issues often leave the child suppressed and demoralised.
Understand your child
As parents, your anxieties concerning your child's career choice are understandable. You would certainly like your child to excel and secure a financially sound and socially recognized career. But have you ever thought of the consequences that your demands may lead to?
If the child is forced to do something beyond his interest and capability, it is only going to lead to emotional disruption and a distressed career move. The child might surrender to these pressures and suffer silently. One should always remember that each child is special in one way or the other. Maybe your child is not good at memorizing equations or derivations and reproducing them on a piece of paper, yet he/she may view things in a way far beyond your imagination.
Help your child make a wise choice
Remember this is a crucial phase of your child's academic life. The kind of career a child opts for should be a good blend of his/her preferences as well as your support and guidance. A child's interest and abilities should be the deciding factors when it comes to choosing a career.
Help your child analyze what he/she is really good at. This is not the time to force, rather it is the time to be the guiding force, the ultimate support to your child. The child may not necessarily take a very wise decision but now it is up to the parents to convince the child in a proper way. Discuss the issue openly and patiently with the child.
Since the choices made at this stage are critical, the child may be perplexed and indecisive and may even be edgy. As parents we can foresee things that our children generally ignore. He/she might prefer to choose a career solely on the basis of interest or out of peer pressure.
Do not criticize his/ her view but tactfully and gently help the child weigh the pros and cons of the choice made by him. Put forth all the positives and negatives of his choice and then let him decide. You will see how, step by step, with your help the child would come to something productive, practical and interesting.
Decisions concerning a child's career have to be made with the consent of the child in the light of parental guidance and encouragement. Let's make career choice an enjoyable and stress-free experience for our children.
A.J. Philip adds:
I know a boy who was exceptionally bright. After his plus two, he wanted to do an arts course. But his parents insisted that he go in for medicine. He was forced to appear for various entrance examinations and he passed all of them. He took admission in a premier medical college in the country. But he could not concentrate on his studies. By the time the parents realized that their son was not doing well, he had become a mental wreck, a condition from which he is yet to recover, even after a decade. |
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"Victims" of Tiger Woods |
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By Jennifer Hartline |
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Catholic Online (www.catholic.org)
ONE of the women Tiger Woods had an affair with has retained an attorney. I watched this attorney on TV explaining profusely why this poor woman was so victimized by Tiger, how much damage he did to her life and her career, and why Tiger must own up to his wrongful treatment of her and offer a very humble apology. Only then can talk of monetary damages proceed.
It was the victim routine again. "The Victim" should be a Broadway production by now. Everyone is a victim nowadays, but I find it especially irksome when women play the victim-card for themselves or each other, as the liberal feminist attorney did for her client. It's always the big, bad man being mean to the poor little woman. And then she cries, "How could you treat me this way?" I'll tell you how -- you let him.
Ladies, I'm going to do you one better than your liberal feminists sisters will do and tell you that freedom isn't free. It costs something and requires conscious effort to protect. And the responsibility is yours. Stop blaming men for treating you badly and kick up some dust on your way out.
Here's the thing: the empowerment you seek, the freedom you crave -- it's all in your mind -- literally. It's in the decisions you make, the choices you purposely choose and the exercise of your will. It is forfeited in the careless choices you make and the bad decisions you won't turn from. It is lost in the mistakes you refuse to learn from and correct. It is restored when you decide to stop playing the victim and become the woman of integrity God made you to be.
It's all up to you. It always has been. Are there men who treat women terribly? Absolutely, and I'm not releasing those men from their guilt. But why is it that here in Land of the Free there are so many women -- bright, educated, accomplished women -- who allow it? They would rather cry victim, suffer terribly and unnecessarily at the hands of a complete jerk than use their heads, make a truly empowered decision and walk away. Somehow it's better to seek revenge in a courtroom after the fact than to use the power of their minds and stay out of trouble in the first place.
It really is all in your mind and your will. It isn't easy, but so what? Isn't your life, your freedom, your prosperity, your health, your body, your heart worth some hard choices? Who's calling the shots anyway? You are.
I learned that lesson the hard way. Before I met my husband, I dated a man who was very charming and extravagant. Gary was quite successful at his job and had a fancy car and loved to dine at restaurants all the time. He brought me flowers unexpectedly, and would shower me with love notes and surprises. He was very romantic and I found it all quite irresistible. He was also a very troubled man, having grown up in a profoundly abusive home. Under the surface, he seethed with rage, and when it bubbled up, it was frightening. He would become verbally abusive, demeaning, cruel, and he would lose all control of his temper. He did not physically strike me, but he would delight in beating me emotionally.
Those scary scenes were always followed by great remorse and affection, and thus our relationship went on like this for nearly two years. He shared with me the horrific stories of the abuse he endured as a child, and my heart broke with compassion and love for this wounded man. We'd pray together for healing, and even went together to seek counseling for his rage. I thought that because I loved him, I could and should help him get well. I saw all his good qualities -- there were many -- and thought how unfair it was that this man was basically ruined by his cruel parents.
Someone needed to stand by him, and it was going to be me. Yet, my own heart was never comfortable with the thought of spending my life with him, and fear gnawed at me constantly. In my soul, I knew the relationship was wrong for me, but I was in love with him and I didn't want to abandon him.
The blow-ups of rage became more frequent, our fights became more intense, and I was disintegrating into a victim mindset. I thought I'd be heartbroken for life without him, yet my soul was telling me I'd be a battered woman for life if I didn't end the relationship now.
I've heard God's voice with unmistakable clarity only a few times in my life, and one night on the floor in my apartment, sobbing, He asked me quite simply, "Is this what you want?" I whipped my head around to see who had come into my room because the voice was audible in my ears. I heard God's voice. Again, I heard Him: "Do you really want to give your heart to a man who ...
will hurt you?" Suddenly, my tears dried, my mind cleared and I heard myself say out loud, "No."
Then came His answer to me. "Then make your choice."
It was my choice and God would let me make it and He would let me have whatever I chose, be it good or bad. I was not a victim, I was a willing participant and it was high time I made a better decision for my life. The responsibility was mine and I had no one to blame but me. As much as I thought I loved Gary, I could not change him or fix him or heal him. I could only stay and surrender my freedom to a man who would continue to hurt me. Gary stopped beating me with his anger the instant I stopped letting him.
I released him to the Lord, moved away and cleansed my mind and heart with God's truth. Less than a year later, I met my wonderful husband and with great joy I gave my heart to a loving man who will never hurt me or our children, and God is as happy as I am that I made such an excellent choice. My life could have been very, very different. I shudder now to think of it. I thank God every day for His grace that saved me.
Ladies, the choices are ours to make. The Lord longs for us to protect our hearts and our freedom by using the good sense He gave us to make good decisions. I believe He weeps when we choose badly and then refuse to take responsibility for our choices. The power we need to live full, happy and free lives rests in the decisions we make. This woman who believes Tiger Woods has wronged and damaged her must start by looking in the mirror. There she will find the person who is responsible for her unhappiness, and the person who can change her life starting right now.
God's abundant grace is there, waiting to be poured out on those who will choose well. Decide carefully, choose well, and you will live well. "Preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble; when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." Proverbs 3:21-24 (Courtesy: www.catholic.org)
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Jennifer Hartline is a lifelong Catholic, an Army wife and mother of four precious children. (One in heaven.) She is a contributing writer for Catholic Online on topics of Catholic faith, family, Life, and politics. She is also a serious chocoholic. Visit her at My Chocolate Heart. |
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