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Down with parochialism |
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COUNSELING |
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Suicide mission |
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By Maryknoll Father William Grimm |
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FOR the twelfth year in a row, the number of people who committed suicide in Japan has topped 30,000. According to statistics released by the National Police Agency on January 26, a total of 32,753 people took their own lives in 2009. This was the fifth highest toll in history, an increase of 504 persons over the 2008 figure and on average one such death every 16 minutes.
Thirty years ago, the "typical" suicide was a woman in her 20's or 30's who faced romantic difficulties such as a break up with a boyfriend or the prospect of never finding a spouse. Another group was women who suffered marital difficulties. These often killed their children as well, since it would be poor mothering to leave them orphans.
Nowadays, the profile has changed, with 71 per cent of 2009's suicides being men. The most common reason for killing themselves is financial difficulties, the loss of a job or unpayable debts.
Another group that has recently attracted attention because of a spike in suicides are children. Schoolyard bullying and poor grades seem to be behind this phenomenon.
Suicide is not unknown even among Christians. There is probably no priest in the country with more than a few years' experience who has not in the course of his ministry been called upon to deal with the aftermath of suicide.
Those of us who live in Tokyo are not surprised at the police reports' high numbers. In recent years, more than 300 people have committed suicide each year in the region by jumping from station platforms in front of oncoming trains. Being stuck on a train delayed by a suicide somewhere along the line is a common experience for Tokyoites, especially during morning rush hours.
Railroads have installed special lighting and replaced black asphalt platforms with white tiles in the hope that a brighter environment might deter jumpers. Gradually, fences and gates that block access to the tracks until after trains have come to a stop are being installed on platforms.
Japan has always had a high suicide rate and the country has been fairly tolerant of self-destruction. Traditionally, suicide has been an honorable way to atone for failure or to resolve intractable problems. It was even turned into a ceremony in the practice of "seppuku," ritual self-disembowelment. (The commonly used word for it in English, hara-kiri (belly cutting), is somewhat vulgar in Japanese.) The Tokyo site of the 1912 joint ritual suicide of Count Maresuke Nogi and his wife Shizuko upon the death of Emperor Meiji is a Shinto shrine where the count is revered as a divinity.
However, Japan's mildly tolerant attitude toward suicide is changing, and not simply because people are annoyed at having their morning commute disrupted by train delays caused by jumpers.
The increase in suicide is seen as a symptom of something gone wrong with Japan. Those who kill themselves are not judged for their actions. The country is.
After the total destruction of Japan in World War II, the Japanese set themselves to rebuild economically and socially. In 1964, the nation hosted the Olympics. In connection with that event, the "bullet train" high-speed rail system was built. Modern highways were constructed. That year marked the country's re-entry to world-class status as a nation, an end to the post-war period of humiliation and reconstruction. The young man chosen to light the Olympic flame symbolized that. Yoshinori Sakai was born in Hiroshima on the day an atomic bomb was dropped on that city.
Japan went on to become the second largest economy in the world. In 1979, an American book spoke of "Japan as Number One." But, then it all fell apart. The economy stagnated, the population showed inexorable signs of aging and decline. It seemed that just as the suffering, sacrifice and hard work of the post-war reconstruction was about to bear fruit, Japanese increasingly realized that something had been lost along the way. There was no longer anything left to achieve in the way of economic growth, but the achievement turned out to be not worth the effort. And those who put forth the greatest effort, no longer having something for which to live, began to choose death.
Where does this leave the Church? What does it mean to proclaim Good News in a wealthy land that has the means to live, but may be losing the will to do so?
The Church does a good job when what the bad news people face is hunger, ignorance or disaster. However, bad news in the midst of wealth is a new challenge. The best way to face it remains a mystery. The search for answers in Japan may provide the model for missions in the 21st century as more and more of Asia moves beyond mere subsistence and finds that the pursuit of wealth may mean the loss of something more important. It may also become a model for the re-evangelization of the West, which was once a model for Japan, but now seems more and more to be imitating Japan in its wealthy poverty.
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Maryknoll Father William Grimm is the publisher of UCA News and former editor-in-chief of "Katorikku Shimbun," Japan's Catholic weekly |
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Youth and sex |
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By CCI |
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THE changing attitude of young people toward sex and family is a major concern, says a high-level body of the Indian Church.
"One area of concern is the change in attitude toward sex, stability of family, wife-sex relation," noted the Catholic Council of India (CCI).
The council, representative body of Indian Catholic bishops, priests, religious and laity, met Jan. 9-12 in Nagpur discussed the situation of youth in the Church and society.
"The young generation of today, growing up as they do in the modern technological age, is exposed to a wide variety of new ideas, experiences and influences," the meeting said in its final statement.
The statement also found the modern generation highly influenced by media -- print, audio and video. But "it must be said that their influence are none too healthy."
Young people's changed views on family and sex correspond to their "indifference" to religion and religious practices that form the basics for a healthy social order, the meeting regretted.
This has resulted in break-up of families and increased divorces. The statement cites as examples the increase in the number of people opting for live-in relation rather than marriage, and demands for same sex unions.
The changes have made youth more ambitious and "collectively impatient at the slow pace of changes" in society.
As a result, they have become "very susceptible" to movements and organizations that project speedy social actions "justifying means by their ends."
The council wants Catholics in India to realize that the negative trends among the youth are the result of society's failure to inculcate in them values that could help them withstand unhealthy influences.
These developments should force people to undertake "a serious introspection" of society's attitude to youth and the type of programs it has for young people, the CCI said.
The meet wanted the Church to improve the quality of the training it conducts for the youth and organize more effective refresher programs. (Courtesy: CathNews India) |
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Caring for 'special' children |
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By Shaheen Chander |
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AS a part of a specialization course at college, we were assigned to visit various institutes for 'special' children. I personally feel that there is no better word than 'special' to address such children; simply because they are different from the others, not only in their abilities, but their capabilities as well.
These children included the ones suffering from various disorders -- hearing impairment, physical and mental disabilities, learning difficulties, impaired vision or speech defects. We visited several institutes. Although the functioning of the institutes varied and the disorders of children differed, there was something in common -- a similarity in their anxiety to know more, their life situation and, of course, their emotional distress.
Interaction with the teachers there provided us with insight into how parents struggled to make their special children happy. Each passing day unfolded a new story. In one school for mentally disabled children, a highly qualified professional mother would come every day to drop her elder daughter to school. Her child was chronologically 13, with the mind of a three-year old. The hopeful mother would in a dedicated manner bring her child to school. But despite the love and affection they may get, such children live in an altogether different world, where they strive hard to be a part of the 'normal' surroundings.
Challenges for both parents and the child
Owing to their disabilities, 'special' children exhibit several emotional and behavioural problems. Mood swings and aggressive behavior are just a few. They may suffer from an inferiority complex, brought about by incompetence. The behavioural and emotional problems may even worsen as the child grows older and psychologically matures to understand the situation. They feel awkward at times.
People generally feel that if a child does not match his/her peers physically, then the emotional needs are also limited. Although this depends on the disability as well as its extent, children can very well assess the situation and reactions of people around them. If there is a normal sibling at home, the situation is even more challenging. Extra praise of the normal child's achievements can cause emotional upheaval for the 'special' one, who may psychologically succumb to his/her physical and mental incapability. At times, lack of affection or care from other family members can also have a bad impact on the psyche of the child.
Make your child feel special
It is important to help your child realize his ability and not disability. Help the child grow. Help him/her become independent and confident. At the same time, do not overestimate the child's potential. At home, provide the child with a conducive and encouraging environment. Involve every member in the care of the child. Parenting such children is strenuous, but following balanced parenting techniques will help.
Despite your professional and personal constraints, do spend time with your child. If possible, take him/her out for a stroll and interact with the child. Do not isolate the child. Encourage siblings and their friends to interact with the child. Make the child participate in social and family gatherings confidently. However, do not overindulge in the care of just the needy one. Balanced parenting of both the affected and the normal child is important.
Remember, all that the 'special' ones need is support and encouragement, not sympathy.
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A broken vessel |
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By Cristina McEwen |
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I'M a feeler: a die-hard, passionate, go-with-my-gut, somewhat impulsive, feeler. As a wife and mother of three, I'm the person who writes up a to-do list but chucks it because it's sunny out and "gosh the park sounds fun today." And "oh, the zoo would be nice... and I need to stop at the grocery store on my way home."
Before I know it, dinner has come and gone, and my agenda has been put off until tomorrow.
The problem lies in the fact that my husband also is a somewhat impulsive, extremely passionate, borderline feeler. So when we said "I do" one drizzly and cold New Year's Eve at the courthouse, on a whim of sorts, I should have known what we were in for.
Until I said "I do," learning to forgive as Jesus forgave me sounded rather simple. I can honestly say that there's no other relationship on earth that God has used in the way he has used marriage to shape me into a more humble, more authentic and more forgiving person.
We've had fights that would earn us a combined Oscar for acting (if only we were acting). And with three ardent children added into the equation within the first five years of marriage (one a product of the honeymoon), vying for first place in our lives 24 hours a day -- communicating with each other is rarely uncomplicated.
Receiving forgiveness was a spiritually abstract concept until I was left with no other option. But, it's freeing. And I'm learning that this art of giving and receiving forgiveness, no matter how much it pangs me, when it is spilled into every other meaningful relationship in my life, draws me closer to others and therefore closer to God.
There's something to be said about working through something really difficult with someone whose companionship you value. I've had times when I've wanted to run away from confrontation, but a voice inside me whispers, "Stay. Stay." And in staying and humbly receiving or confronting (whatever end I'm on at the time), more often than not results in true healing. It's a sort of freedom that beckons my soul to come forth and expose its beautiful self to the world of hurting people who have hidden because of fear of rejection, indignation or perhaps very valid fears of having received responses that were ungodly in the past.
Jesus has this way of taking our lives -- these big messy slabs of clay -- and gently shaping them into vessels worthy of his kingdom. He takes the clump of my life -- my brokenness, my "good deeds," my sin -- and puts it between his hands, sorting out all the lumps, softening it just so. He puts it on the wheel and very slowly, very gently, begins to spin it, holding the clump in a way that looks as if it would just slip out of his damp hands and onto the floor, adding to the mess it is already.
His hands are cupped around the clay now, as it cautiously makes its way into what simply resembles an OK-looking bowl.
He holds the bowl, like he's holding a baby, and he lifts its sides, moving so slowly that I don't even realize he's doing anything at all.
The wheel continues to spin. The bowl is getting taller. And much more delicate. A few times I think that it will surely fall to the ground. But it continues to grow. Upward. Outward. With a rim that looks as if it's reaching to the heavens. Every piece of what is now a rounded vase is perfect. Every ounce of every lump has been smoothed into this piece of art that now has the capability of holding its own. Holding something else even.
And perhaps in that redemption of all things broken is the capability of holding those who are broken. Holding people who are withering. Dying. Those who are hopeless. Ashamed. Abandoned. In need of light.
Perhaps in the liberation of being a broken vessel, at the disposal of the Potter, Jesus, we can find healing in the relationships around us and the power to let them mold us and shape us into people who embody and emanate the fruit of the Spirit in every aspect of our lives. (Courtesy: Christianity Today)
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Cristina McEwen lives in Indianapolis with her husband, Thomas, and their three children, Elias (6), Keziah (4) and Ezra (2). They're raising support to live in Turin, Italy, for the next five years. Find out more about Cristina at whensoulscollide.com. |
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Sibling rivalry |
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By Shaheen Chander |
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WHILE reading a book, I came across a comic strip in which a young couple is bringing their second baby home. The older child, on seeing his sibling, exclaims, "Ah! My new bicycle is now on the back burner."
The idea was hilarious, but it depicted a deeper meaning. It revolved around children and their conflicts -- something generally known as 'sibling rivalry'.
The word 'sibling' denotes a brother or a sister. However, its deeper sense is revealed as one confronts the realities of life. For a pre-schooler, a sibling may be a small baby with whom he/she can play and share toys, while for a grown up, he/she is someone who can be looked up to for advice. There can be complexities and difficulties associated with this, owing to the depth of the relationship.
'Sibling rivalry' is a term generally used for frustration, jealousy, hatred and annoyance that siblings may have for each other. It is not necessarily confined to childhood, but can penetrate other stages of life as well, whereby, a simple childhood contention can lead to adverse troubles in the later years.
To understand such disputes, let's take a look at some of the very basic incidents centered on home and parenting. For instance, on the arrival of a new baby, your other child might not have responded pleasantly. He was probably sharing his parents with someone else for the very first time.
However, your firstborns are not the only ones prone to it. Every child confronts some sort of emotional unrest. At times, more attention is to be given to a mentally or physically challenged child or even a gifted one.
Although you are not being partial intentionally, another child of yours might feel sad. Such issues, if not tackled properly, can lead to verbal abuse and even serious physical harm. Some families also have gender preferences. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and ignorance.
The problem is deep-rooted in wrong parenting methods that are based on favouritism. All these factors affect children emotionally and result in rivalries during childhood and at times prolonged cold wars when they grow up.
Sensitive and intelligent parenting is required to strengthen the bond between siblings and keep them together. In certain situations, where one child needs extra care, it is extremely important to prepare the others for it. This would make them feel wanted.
In the case of a minor quarrel or a scuffle, avoid interference. Children should be allowed to sort it out on their own. Excessive parental intervention might make the situation worse. Let your children develop a relationship based on understanding and care for each other.
Smart parenting also involves steering away from favouritism or partiality. Parenting in all aspects has to be balanced. Make each child feel wanted and special in his own way. A weekend meeting with your children or an outing provides a good opportunity for children to know each other better.
On occasions like birthdays, festivals or other celebrations, ask them to make each other feel special. Encourage your children to respect, love and support each other. Their roles in the household should be made clear to them.
To sum it up, intelligent parenting is the key to a closer and stronger bond between your children.
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The writer has done MSc in child development and is currently working as a research assistant with a publishing company, Pearson Education |
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Divorce Satan's work |
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By John K. John |
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Question: Ours was an arranged marriage. I agreed to marry my wife because my mom was terminally ill and she wanted me to get married before she died. I had the option of choosing any one from a number of girls my father had short-listed.
Soon after the wedding, I realized that we were incompatible and should never have got married in the first place. We tried hard to make the marriage work but divorce seems to be the only option. The only problem we face is the custody of our two-year-old son.
We both come from Christian families and believe that divorce is not an option for Christians. However, though we live under the same roof, the marriage has lost all its charm and meaning. Since we have no relationship between us as a normal married couple, is it not better to live our individual lives separately, rather than have a life of pretensions and never ending conflicts between us for the rest of our lives?
Answer: First of all, let me say that I realize you do have an extremely difficult problem at hand. It must be a heart-rending decision for anyone to make particularly when the future of a two-year-old son is at stake apart from the pain of ending your marriage.
Recently I read an article in a respectable Christian magazine written by a famous Christian leader arguing forcefully for allowing divorce within the Church in certain circumstances similar to yours. I was shocked to read this article because his arguments went against the letter and spirit of the teachings on marriage in the Bible.
Marriage is a covenant made between a man and a woman in the presence of the Church that includes the parents and family members of the couple. The third party who enters into the covenant is God, the One who established the institution of marriage. As a Christian when you made a choice to enter into this covenant, you committed yourself to a relationship of love and loyalty for life to this one person God created in his image.
This covenant is irrevocable as long as you both are alive except in the event of one spouse nullifying it by entering into an adulterous relationship with another person. I believe that you had entertained the thought of the option of divorce which Satan, the enemy of marriage, whispered into your ears as soon as the first difference of opinion or experience of displeasure occurred in your relationship.
What you should have done at that time was to rebuke Satan and ask the Lord to help you work on building up your marriage. The trouble with many marriages is that either spouse or even both of them come to the altar with divorce as an option. It might not have occurred to these young men or women that they carry with them this dangerous and destructive seed of a thought.
Once divorce is seen as an option, however distant it might appear at that time, unless we are aware of the battle within the heart, Satan will see to it that this option grows to bear the poisonous fruit, which will eventually devastate lives.
A good marriage does not just happen; you have to work hard to build it bit by bit on a daily basis. You would work hard on your marriage only if you love God and love your spouse. The word love is used here as a verb and not as noun because love that works in marriage is an act of will and not just an emotion you feel.
Emotions, including the one generally known as 'love', is fickle and unreliable. Most people love themselves a lot more than their spouses and their love for the Lord God is even lesser. We are called to "...love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and all your mind... and love your neighbor as yourself"(Mathew 22:37-39). Please note that your closest and most important of all neighbors is your wife and the word love here is again a verb!
Most couples in conflict nowadays consider divorce as an option and an increasing number end up terminating their marriages with devastating consequences for themselves, their children, their parents and other people close to them. Divorces in almost all cases not only fail to solve any existing problem but also create and compound more and more pain and complications as the years go by.
I would advice you to go around and ask people who have gone along the path of divorce to find out for yourselves what are these consequences. The Word of God instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and warns against divorce in no uncertain terms, which are adequate reasons for any one to rule out this option once and for all. God says, "Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and Spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. I hate divorce" (Malachi 2.15-16).
Please ask yourself the following questions before you make a decision:
1. What is the purpose of marriage given in the Bible? It would appear you married just for the sake of your mother. Is this a valid reason for getting married?
2. In any case when you said yes to your wife, are you not duty bound as the head of the family to love her and to save the marriage and protect her and your son in every way?
3. Does your wife also really want divorce? (You have not made this very clear)
4. How can you as an adult say with honesty that 'we realized soon after the wedding that we are not compatible' and then say 'we did everything possible to make the marriage work'? How can you do everything possible when you are convinced that you are not compatible?
5. How would you respond if I say early on into marriage you had decided for divorce as Satan had already made inroads into your will and persuaded you to breakup?
6. Are you not deceiving yourselves with your own unbiblical arguments in support of divorce?
7. What would be the impact of divorce on your child? How would it affect your relationship with your parents especially your mother (if she were alive) for whose happiness you married your wife in the first place?
8. Do you already have some one in mind whom you are contemplating as your future wife? If you do, is this the real reason behind your desire to break up with your wife?
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Dr John K. John has been a theologian, administrator and counselor for over three decades. He served in various capacities in Emmanuel Hospital Association and is presently the Executive Director of the Biblical Counseling Trust of India, New Delhi. He took his Bachelor of Divinity from Serampore University in 1991 and has a doctorate in Christian counseling from Westminster Theological Seminary in the United States. He would be answering questions from our readers on their personal and family problems. Dr John can be contacted at jkoodath@gmail.com |
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